Lately, Craigslist has been funnier than Funny or Die. It came into the metal spotlight a few months ago when the (unfortunately false) story of a girl that got knocked up at a Motorhead show caught the fancy of the internet. And now there’s an ad for a drummer that’s absolutely too amazing to be real. First off, just look at the picture to your right. That’s either a picture from the ’80s, or the coolest retro person alive.
Then there’s the post itself, which we’ll post in its entirety with the warning that it’s NSFW. But then, you might have picked that up from the subject “Real Rock Drummer for NON-pussy band (L.A.):
I do NOT play to a click track or backing tracks and GO SCREW if you think I’m gonna “tone it down a little, bro” so you can piddle away on your stringed sissy box. I WILL NOT play hotel cafe and don’t take direction from ninnies who live in their fucking parents basement and whack off to dreams of hanging with Jack Johnson and rapping about his “process”, you piece of shit. I am a real mother fucker with balls of steel and have a drumset that loves to be ass fucked mercilessly from behind and I need to join a band who understands that stage-sex is part of the fucking game, dude. So when I’m fucking the shit outta the kit, you can’t be the guy in the corner beating your limp, taffy dick wishing that you could stick your dick in too, NO! You get that dick hard and fuck the stage with me, pussy boy. I’m so sick of stealing the show and would really love to meet some real sons of fucking bitches who aren’t afraid to use a sweat band for its intended purpose: wiping off fucking sweat, cum, groupies, pussy juice, blood, etc.
Do not write me for reasons of sass because I will FIND YOU and shred your fucking face with my SHIT-STORMING DRUM GODLINESS!
So bands, have you got what it takes? Looking forward to finding out who’s behind this. Our guess is not Jack Johnson.