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Words Of Wisdom From Ozzy: “A Hand Job Is A Very Personal Thing”

Posted by on April 19, 2011

On the one hand, Ozzy Osbourne might not seem to be the best person to ask for health advice. Then again, he’s done more crap to his body that he’d probably know better than most experts. At least that’s been the thinking behind the Prince Of Darkness’ health column for Rolling Stone magazine and England’s The Sunday Times. But it’s his one of his latest response to a readers question regarding “rub ‘n’ tug” parlors that’s got us, well…giggling hysterically.

When asked by a reader if he thought it was ok to get the happy ending at one of these special massage parlors, Ozzy responded with the following:

“A hand job is a very personal thing, and after a lifetime of practice, most blokes get a pretty specific preference for the kind of technique they like. So unless you’re acting as a co-pilot and barking out instructions to your dodgy masseuse every two seconds, it might end up feeling more like she’s skinning a dead rabbit than driving you wild with forbidden pleasure. In fact, it sounds to me like you’ve already built this up in your head to the point where it’s gonna be an expensive disappointment. You also ain’t factored in guilt. It’s all very well you telling Dr. Ozzy that ‘it doesn’t seem wrong’ to hire an extra pair of hands to help out in the monkey-spanking department, but I’m afraid to say that if you’re anything like me, your conscience won’t agree.”

Once again, Ozzy has more experience than us in rock star excess and receiving sexual favors from strangers (sorry, Sharon). So we’ll take his word on it.

[picture via The Sunday Times]

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Categorised in: Paging Dr. Ozz