We’re regular followers of Lamb of God frontman Randy Blythe’s Instagram account for several reasons. First of all, he’s developed into an amazing photographer, so just from a visual standpoint, he’s already worth a follow. Secondly, he’s a great writer as well. Some of the details and memories that he’s been able to convey are evocative. The insight he gave during his trial and words that went with his pictures in Prague made the book deal he got following his acquittal a no-brainer. Why do we bring this up? Because sometimes his account is pretty much a diary, and, well, he burned his junk with hot coffee.
We saw Blythe’s story, which is written in extremely painful detail, when he published it a few weeks ago. We read it and felt bad for Blythe, and pretty much cringed, but didn’t pay it any mind. Yesterday, the metal blogosphere caught wind of his mistake and had a field day with it. Essentially, he had a boiling cup of coffee in between his legs while driving, made a turn, the lid came off, and in his words, “liquid caffeinated FIRE had covered my, well…it had covered my penis.” He was still in pain when he wrote about it, but was hopeful he’d make a recovery. There was enough reaction from friends that yesterday, he wrote a follow-up post, alongside a video of him surfing:
I never thought I would ever be writing something like this, but here is an update on the condition of my penis: HE IS 100% RECOVERED & FULLY FUNCTIONAL, COMPLETELY CAPABLE OF PERFORMING ANY OF HIS NORMAL DUTIES. No scarring, so scabbing, no PTSD. He’s good to go. I suppose it took a while (like a week) for the metal “news” sites to pick up this obviously very important story in the world of heavy metal, but they did (I guess they will run anything, or it must be a slow week- I wrote that story here just to give y’all a few laughs- damn, all I did was dump hot coffee on my unit- I’m sure it happens to someone everyday). Now I am getting texts from my friends saying things like “Ouch! Are you ok?” or “I’m really, really, sorry about The Captain, dude”- while the sudden outpouring of concern for the welfare of my penis is heartwarming indeed (it brings a tear to my eye, it really does), it’s not like someone tried to chop him off or he suddenly developed the ability to do calculus or something- now THAT would have been worthy of the news. Anyways, with penises, just as with all things in life, that which does not kill us only makes us stronger. This video is from just two days ago, well after the scalding incident in question- I ask you, my friends- is this the wipe out of a man not in full command of his penis? Would a man suffering the agony of penile distress have the presence of mind to wave goodbye to the camera so gracefully? NO, HE WOULD NOT. My dude was a little sore for two days- that’s it. Ok, that’s enough about my penis- I shall never mention him here again. (ps- I am VERY careful with coffee in the car now, always using the cup holder)
So yeah, basically what we’re saying is follow Blythe on Instagram. Mostly for the photography, sometimes for his abilities to tell compelling stories about where he’s traveling and what he’s able to see as the frontman of Lamb of God. And occasionally, for tales of woe about his manhood.