It’s after Labor Day, and while leaves aren’t falling yet here in the Northeast, kids are back in school, you can pick up pumpkin coffee at Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts, and perhaps most important, football is back! The NFL season kicked off (see what we did there?) last night with a lopsided game between last year’s Super Bowl Champions Seattle Seahawks and the Green Bay Packers. For the next 17 Sundays, sports fans nationwide will be glued to the TV in a weekly ritual of eating, drinking and belief that their team is the best. Rivalries will arise, friendships may be jettisoned, and significant others temporarily ignored, and we can’t wait. In the spirit of the season, we asked some artists what the 2014 NFL season has in store for them.
Sleazy P. Martini, GWAR manager
Hello NFL fans, it is I Sleazy P. Martini, worlds foremost football psychic, bringing you the lead pipe locks that you can gamble away your retirement on. First up let me say how disappointing it is to hear prognosticators trying to pass themselves off as insightful by predicting future division winners based on last year’s standings with a minor tweak here or there. Shit, that doesn’t take any effort at all which is why I will predict all six divisions will finish in exactly the same order as last year culminating in a 2015 Super Bowl rematch between Seattle and Denver which will result in a blowout even worse than last year- made worse by a devastating spinal injury that will end Peyton Manning’s career. A loss that will enrage Denver’s fan base so much that he will be found two weeks later dead in a burnt out Buick Verano with a Papa John’s pizza shoved up his ass.
Now that we have what will surely be an unsurprising season resulting in the dullest Super Bowl yet, let’s get to my other predictions about player performances during the 2014 NFL season. Ray Rice will be in the news in another domestic violence case when his wife beats the crap out of him for ruining her fantasy football season by averaging just 2.2 yards and 3 touchdowns during the 2014 season. Jadeveon Clowney will have a memorable opening game when he blows out his knee in the first quarter against the Washington Unmentionables. Going on to be one of ESPN’s favorite topics during an injury prone and forgettable four year career. And Finally Johnny Manziel in a drunken stupor will tweet a picture of himself nude with Roger Goodell’s roofied up wife in Costa Rican resort hotel. The NFL will suffer a huge public relations disaster when it is revealed that Roger Goodell was himself the photographer.
Well football fans, that’s all for now and remember if you’re looking for more football excitement watch college football instead. Toodles.
Jizmak da Gusha, GWAR
I predict at least 3 more suspensions due to domestic violence will effect the NFL 2014-2015 season and that is just from the Baltimore Ravens alone. Also, if Washington can’t use their logo doesn’t that effect the name as well? A team with no name can’t be predicted to win. (?) 21 vs giants 7. It just doesn’t work.
Tom Hunting, Exodus
Bruce Corbitt, Rigor Mortis
Charles Elliot, Abysmal Dawn
Two teams will compete in the Super Bowl; one of them will win. There will be horrible music at halftime and your girlfriend will be more interested in the puppy bowl. At some point you’ll probably spill something on your shirt i.e. dip, salsa, beer and you’ll start yelling obscenities. If your team wins, you’ll take to Facebook, phone, twitter and the streets declaring how much better your team is. If your team loses, you’ll tell the people rubbing your nose in your loss something like “shut the fuck up” or “you just wait until next year”. The next day you’ll go back to work if you’re employed and talk about the game. You watched the Super Bowl on TV instead of going to church, but that’s OK because you were going to hell anyway.
Jon Hodan, Halcyon Way
“As you know, Halcyon Way is from the dirty south and so I’m a Falcons fan and a season ticket holder, even though I miss half the games due to touring, haha. Last year totally sucked for us due to injuries, but the team had a strong offseason and is looking really solid so far. The Saints are still the team to beat, and Atlanta is primed for a nice rebound. Carolina lost a lot of key players and the Bucs are in a rebuilding mode. I predict that the NFC South will be as follows: Saints, Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers.”